100. That holiday feeling (2/3)

 I very quickly decide that I have to do something to help with the survival of the fittest (me). I decide it is time to give meditation a go.

I sit on a cushion crossed legged and I try to find a confortable position. It says in the book: you have to feel confortable. Then why can't you meditate lying down in your bed? Anyway I am the good student and I want to succeed so I persevere. I reach a point that can pass for confortable.

So here I am on my cushion. On the floor.

Now the next step is the breathing ... surely I can do that.

I have this app which tells me when to breathe in and out and hold my breath. It vaguely reminds me of ante-natal classes. Which makes me think about my children. Not good if I want to achieve 'pure calm'. 

Anyway, I am being distracted. I am being sidetracked. Again it says so in the book: your thoughts will wander. Just bring them back.

This image of me sweeping leaves in a the front drive on a very windy day. And neighbours looking in on to me shaking their heads sadly ...

Your thoughts will wander. Just bring them back. Focus on the breathing. Nothing else matters, only the deep breathing.

Here we go, crossed-legged, app on, a soothing woman's voice telling me to breathe or not.

Why am I doing this? Is this not just a waste of time for people who have too much time?

'Mum! We've got no bread!' Someone down there in the real world is hungry. But it is non-essential. Only the breathing matters. The problem is that I can breathe without thinking about it. So I need to stop thinking - and maybe stop breathing - to do consciously something I do anyway. 

Your thoughts will wander. Just bring them back.

Your thoughts will wander. Just bring them back.

'Mum! We've got no bread!' 

Now you mention it, I am hungry too! Lesson 1: over. This is not working. I throw the cushion in the corner of the room and go downstairs to show my daughter that the bread is in the bread bin. The bread bin is on the kitchen counter and it actually - weirdly -says 'BREAD BIN' on it. And I am sure there is a sign somewhere saying 'kitchen' if not I make the on the spot decision to go and buy one. So I can do meditation in peace.

I am downstairs in the kitchen and a bit annoyed that I cannot go past lesson 1. And I have this brilliant idea of killing two birds with one stone. I can do the breathing and go about my morning chores. So as I am clearing up things in the kitchen and getting my piles of books and my laptop ready for work, I breathe in deeply to a count of 8, hold for a count of 6 and breathe out slowly for a count of I can't remember how many. The result is the breathing out is a bit of a mess, too noisy, too fast, totally uncontrolled. It is a cross between a cough, a sneeze and a sigh of relief. But the moving around the room is a great motivator. I might be the inventor of the 'on-the-move-meditating-breathing for busy working mothers or something like that. I feel great! Yeah! It is working! I am so into this. I am going to practice everyday!

But then my son kills it in the bud as he says, putting a baby voice on:

'Mummy? Can I play Choo-Choo train with you?