110. Cables (3/3)

Mr Exotic-Accent told me he would call back the following day at 5PM sharp (after I rudely abandoned him because there were more exciting things happening outside my window). But honestly I was so bored with this never-ending phone call about after all a mere change of cables. 

Bang on 5 PM the house phone rang. I ran certain to be told off if I did not pick up fast enough. This was going to be quick anyway as we had done most of the talking/explaining/deciding/oohing and aahing at the unbelievable price of such a wonderful piece of technological equipment. Okay I had not been listening carefully (I had an excuse: neighbours running around in the street with stolen traffic cones) and I was not sure that I could remember the instructions to be followed for when finally 'la fibre' got here. Truly I did not care.

'Hello!' I said. 'So Tuesday, 11 AM is perfect, thank you so much.'

I was about to say good bye when he stopped me.

'NO! Your appointment is no longer available, I am sorry. But we do have other time slots and we will try to find the one that fits in with your busy timetable.'

Oh no, he was reading out of that dreaded folder again. The sing song tone of voice was a real telltale. I sighed inwardly and let him go on. Who cared about the time anyway? Their folder had obviously been written  pre-lockdown.

'Yes, that's perfect.' I felt a sudden urge to go and lie down somewhere for a snooze.

He was unperturbed and carried on. He sounded more confident now, more assertive and I was almost certain he was getting his revenge for having been interrupted the previous day. 

'We are going to have have to go through the whole procedure again. Please listen carefully. I will explain in detail all the stages ...'

'You're kidding me! ... I can't go through all this again. I don't have much time.' I looked at my watch. How long was this going to last?

'I am afraid if you want the new system you have to do this Madame, it is not long.'

How on earth could he do that all day long? Everyday of the week? I felt sorry for him.

'All right.' I said, suppressing an other sigh.

We went through the time, the date, the address, the instructions, the box, the plug and the sticker (sticker? Maybe this was important but I didn't ask). I was feeling drowsy again. He guessed it as he said quite sharply, raising his voice.

'Please, tell me, you understand?'

Yes, of course, I understand! No way I was going to ask for extra details! What I really wanted to ask was: would a man come to my house with a van and a ladder?

He finished all the explanations. Great! I suppressed an other sigh - of relief this time. I was already getting up and waving at my husband to get me a glass of wine.

'Excuse me, Madame, but there is just one more thing.'

'What's that?'

'The contract. ... I have now to read the whole contract out to you. And I will ask you to listen very carefully. It will be recorded so I will ask you please not to interrupt me. Do you understand?'

'Yes, I do.' I said feeling stupid. I mean who was the teacher here?

'You will just give brief answers when I ask you to. That is all. If you speak then we will have to start all over again until we get the recording right.'

Was this guy for real? I did as I was told and tried to concentrate on what he said. I could not really understand what recording he was going on about but I did want this over with. My husband was in the dining room raising the glass of wine at me and the smell of our dinner was making me feel hungry. I did my very best to give short answers when required and I made sure I was not interrupting. It went on and on. I picked some dust off the phone set. I looked up in the air for spider webs ... Eventually, as usual, my mind wandered off and I suddenly let out a deep, long, loud sigh that made the mouthpiece crackle.  Oh no! No! I hoped this did not count as an interruption! The man kept going and ignored being rudely interrupted (again!). I hoped it was not loud enough to be picked up in the recording.

Then it was finally over! One final page in his folder.

'Please now listen and when you have finished if you agree press 1.' 

So I was made to listen to the whole thing I had just gone through! I could not believe it. I could see why every member of my family had passed the phone on to the next. So I listened again to the whole thing. I was wondering if we would be able to hear my sigh. No, surely not, this was nearly finished now. Then I heard it very clearly, it had been recorded, a loud breath complete with the crackle sounds! How embarrassing!

It ended. I pressed one. Mr Exotic did not sound so exotic now, more like someone who was bossing me around. I listened to him and looked out of the window, thinking this was over now. It has been 38 minutes. I pushed the curtains slightly apart to look into the street. 

WHAT!!! I was losing my mind! ... What on earth????? ... There, out there in the street, my street! There was a guy propping up a ladder against my house!!!! And an other neighbour of mine walking up and down, he had no stolen traffic cones ... but still! What was going on in my street! Were they all mad?

'I'm sorry.' I said. 'Really sorry, but really I must go. There is something going on in the street.'

And off I ran up the stairs again.