123. WFH (1/3)

WFH. That sounds so cool, doesn't it? As a teacher I feel we are not perceived as cool. Well, job done. Thank you me. Cool teachers this way.

The locked up student of the household (Miss Organiser) has been sent out to collect the not-so-locked-up kid (Baby) from school and told to do a bit of shopping on her way. A way to pay me back for the petrol I put in the car and that she burns, happily destroying the planet she keeps lecturing her dad about. And I want these kids out of the way so I can concentrate on the job. 

'I just haven't got the time to do anything.' I moan to myself. 'All these conference calls ... Oh no! Look at the time! I've got to log on! Off you go! Quick!'

She raises her eyes to the ceiling, obviously not taking me that seriously. So I yell:

'And don't crash the car!' 

Once I am on my own, I sit in front of the computer, pleased as Punch.  

Make sure the old comfy cardigan with holes in it has been replaced by a smarter looking top. Check.

Look in the mirror to see if hair does not look as if I have just woken up from an afternoon on the couch. Check.

Have a pen in hand (God alone knows why but everyone is holding a pen so I do the same). Check.

Look a little tense to show I care but not so stressed that I look deranged. (After all I am at home!) Check.

No cup of tea on desk. Dont want to be heard slurping. Don't want to risk spilling it. Check.

I know what all the icons are for and I know how to switch camera/mike on/off. Check.

I'm ready.

The meeting starts. The person chairing the meeting is calling out names. The sound is awful as it echoes around the hall. But I am sure he wants to check on the WFH crowds (me) so I am super-attentive, sitting upright clenching the desk, ready to say hello.

'Hello!' I yell as he mentions my name. I can hear the echo of my voice in that big hall. Why on earth are they is such a huge room when the have a reduced team? Anyway now everyone knows I am attending the meeting, I can relax. I turn the mike off and sit back.

The chairperson then asks a - very young - member of staff a question. She puts her elbows onto her desks and leans into the camera. She starts speaking. I can't hear her. She continues and really gets into it, shaking her head and raising a finger now and then. Everyone is yelling at her:

'We can't hear you!'

'Turn your mike on!'

'There's no sound!'

Nothing does it. She continues, making the chairman eventually ignore her and ask someone else a question. I am laughing out loud as her face and lips keep going, a kind of silence movie playing in the corner of my screen. She eventually notices that everyone has moved on and turns her camera off and leaves us with a black square. I stop laughing.

Then the camera in the hall is finally turned on. Goodness! Who has set up this meeting room? Who has set up this camera? I am taken by an other fit of giggles. This camera is really awkwardly placed. All I can see (and probably everyone else) is a row of school desks with no front panel. The head has not noticed this as he is - weirdly - sitting with his back to the huge screen, unawares that we have a full view of his 'man-spread'. And we can see that this man is suffering from an irresistible urge to reach under and vigorously massage this part of his body just between his legs (hence the man-spread). I am gobsmacked. Should I say something in the chat box, something like: 'May I bring to your attention the fact that your desk has no front panel?' or more direct 'Please. Stop. Indecent.' In the end I just stare! Caught between laughing out loud and cringing in embarrassment. 

It turns out nobody manages to point this out to him and so we carry on with the meeting as if this was just perfectly normal. Now and again he needs both his hands: one to handle the mouse and one to turn a page so the cringing stops. And then he's back at it. But the people present in the room (who do not have such a great view) are chatting away and filling in the reports cards, completely ignoring us the WFH crowds who have all moved on to other pursuits: one colleague is chewing his pen and conscientiously marking papers, just now and then looking up and staring at the camera, an other one is furiously scrolling up and down on his iPad ... And there's me, the serious one, watching all this and, like a teenager, waiting to see when next his hand will go below desk again ...