206. Lazy teachers (3/6)

Being early has its undeniable advantages. The Classics teacher and I helped ourselves to coffee and rummaged around the biscuit trays, taking time to read the labels (Give me chocolate and no-one gets hurt was befitting) without anyone complaining.

More people were arriving now and they all looked as if they could do with coffee and biscuits. Some had even had a longer drive than I. Some an even shorter notice (we later found out that as we drank coffee some were on the road speeding on country lanes to make it for 8:00 AM). Soon we were all standing in a circle, paper coffee cups in our hands, all moaning about the short notice, all agreeing we were the punished ones. I thought we were on some kind of group therapy, all of us standing in a circle telling each other what we were doing when we got the call and wondering how the names had been picked for the list. The head of the school arrived just as we were shifting our group therapy onto the next topic of concern: having to arrive at 8 to be left hanging around. I also secretly worried that the chocolate biscuits were fast disappearing and could we have some more please because no-one was eating the raisins ones. 

The head was just below average size for a man, so could have passed for a short man in the crowd of grumpy teachers but he stood out thanks to his full head of jet-black hair perched atop a matching black blazer and a deep red tie over a white shirt. His slightly dishevelled hair and the fact that the shirt wasn't quite crispy enough made me wonder if the overall look was carefully studied or just the result of a morning rush (was there a list of punished heads too?) He greeted us and introduced himself and the room went quiet. We only wanted to find out why we had been dragged from our sofas. But he went straight into apologising about the late notice and the various dysfunctions.  He warmly thanked for being there in spite of it all and even quoted a teacher who had told him he would be glad to come to the rescue of the institution. My old self resurfaced and I rose my eyes to the ceiling and looked around to try and spot the teacher who thought he was Buzz Lightyear. (Later I did find out.)  

'I really must apologise ... I am really so sorry. I cannot thank you enough for being here this morning ... bla bla bla ...'

I thought we really were shooting some kind of film about double agents sent under cover within the Education Nationale. I was expecting someone to shout 'cut' any moment but the performance was not so bad so he was left to carry on.

'Please accept our apologies. Really.'

Was he going to burst into tears? A couple of attendants walked in the room behind him. Were they bringing in tissues?  Should I ask them to refill the chocolate biscuit tray? I mean there was only one biscuit left! And judging by the grumpy looks and the tense atmosphere this inadequate supply might lead to chaos. 

Yet, unaware of the crisis building up under his very own eyes, he went on like this for a while in front of a bunch of grumpy-looking teachers munching away on cookies and sipping now tepid coffee. Then he mentioned lunch and everyone straightened up. Maybe he did sense the tension after all ... 

'I will come round and you can sign the attendance sheet and put your name name down for lunch. Of course this can be organised! I will take your names and ... I have just been informed that the cost will be covered by the local authorities.' 

Pause for effect. No positive reaction from the small crowd but he persevered.

'Your lunch will be completely free of charge.'

We were like a bunch of spoiled teens giving it a flat 'wow' and raising our eyes to the ceiling.

He continued. I thought he might have received orders to force a free lunch on us.

'Yes! Lunch is paid for. ... I have had notice that the cost of the lunch will be covered for you. So just give me your names and it's a free lunch!'

He opened his arms to the side as if to say hey you cannot refuse a free lunch. I was expecting him to punch the air next. But someone asked the question which was on everyone's mind.

'As this is not very clear from our mission order, can we first find out if this is a whole day assignment?'

A lot of nods and mumbled approval from the teachers.

'Ah.'

He now seemed caught off his guard. What kind of question was that? Should he answer? Could he even have the answer?

'Ah. ... I ... Well, I don't ... We don't seem to know. We really don't know. I mean ... how long is it going to take you?'

We did not have a clue about how long it would take us because we didn't know what tasks were awaiting us. Our ordre de mission said 8 o'clock below the title and again 8 o'clock in the line below where you normally get a breakdown of the day. That was all. Surely he knew! The tension rose among the staff who saw this as a great opportunity to have another go at venting their bitterness.

'Oh! I see. Yes. Yes. ...'

He gave a short chuckle and this relaxed the atmosphere a bit. Quite a few people laughed. He went back to something he could control. 

'Ah! Yes. But we can offer you a free lunch ... '

Nobody seemed to care about a free lunch, nobody was being cooperative. 

'Yes. Free lunch! But ... please ... If you do give your name for lunch then I will ask you to please stay for lunch even if you are done by lunchtime.'

The teachers were getting a little agitated.

'Yes. I insist. You see, if you give your name and you are done by lunchtime and you do not eat your lunch, then that meal will go to waste, and the time and effort by the team ...'

Would someone please shout 'cut'.

'Yes, if you do not eat your lunch, even though you have given your names when you come back tomorrow you won't get lunch.'

He repeated this and made sure everyone understood the consequences of their acts. People started to giggle but soon the room was roaring with laughter and sarcastic comments. 

The unprepared ones (with no packed lunch) obediently nodded and promised that even if we finish early we would go and eat the free meal. I wondered would he chase us across the grounds if we broke our promise?

If I had felt like an operative agent on an important mission, at that point that feeling was hard to keep going and with it the enthusiasm for the mission. 

We then filed into the meeting room. By the time we were all sitting down ready to take instructions it was 9:22. I had arrived at 7:45 for an 8:00 start. I kept telling myself to be grateful for the free lunch and started dreaming about the giant teenage burger we would be served. And the ice-cream for dessert. They catered exclusively for teenagers here, didn't they? I knew all about teenagers' eating habits. I began to draw burgers and chips on my notepad.