291. Talking to myself

I let out a scream when I saw the huge spider in the sink. 

'Again!' I said to myself.

'Stop yelling!' I told myself. 'You've passed the spider test a few weeks ago so this should be routine for you now.'

And I continued.

'Is this the same one I took out of the same sink weeks ago?'

I thought it was silly to talk to myself so I tried to address the spider directly.

'Hey! You're trapped in there. it is as good as a prison to you, isn't? You climb and you slid right back down.'

'Are you the same one? Because if you are, you are a lot fatter.'

No reply from the animal. Not even a sign that it can hear the sound of my voice.

'I can't deal with this situation right now. I need coffee first. And some breakfast.'

I turn the tap on just to check and watch it swim for a bit and when I am certain it is truly imprisoned I take my car keys and head down to the village to buy a baguette and a pain au chocolat.

 

'Un pain au chocolat?' She says in this foreign tone of voice that I cannot read.

'Yes, just one.'

I know she would like to spread the news in the village that my husband has abandoned me or maybe that I have left him and am hiding some secret lover in the little house by the woods on the other side of the valley, the one they can see in winter when all the leaves are gone.

'Au revoir!' I say in a cheery tone of voice clutching my single pain au chocolat.

When my husband calls that night I tell him I am ready for the African wilderness. I tell him I removed yet an other GIGANTIC spider from the sink. I did not scream; I did not panic. I didn't even call him. I did not speak to myself to give me courage. I was cool as a cucumber. Then I go on and on about how I sleep with a bunch of furry animals fooling around in the chimney pipes and in the attic. I also insist on the fact that I can handle terrible droughts, extreme heat and violent thunderstorms.

'Good!' He says. 'I've got something planned for us when you get back.'

I put the phone down and say to myself:

'There you go. I shouldn't have bragged on so much.'