330. DIY

          I walk into the lounge and Miss Organiser is there. Of course I am happy to have her home. Of course she is lovely. Of course I appreciate her organisation skills and her determination. I am not even in the lounge yet that she bursts out laughing.

‘What’s that? Seriously mum, what’s this?’

I do not want to answer. She’s only going to make fun of me. I stand up tall and put on my stern teacher look.

‘What’s that, mum?’

She is standing tall too, looking as if she is trying not too laugh. She is pointing to the door, more precisely to the golf club standing there.

‘ Well, you see.’ I say suddenly feeling I should be proud of this and not embarrassed. ‘You see, look, I’ve placed this golf club … a putter actually … against the door frame. So if the thief walks in … as he pushes the door open … the golf club falls down on the tiles and makes a horrible noise.’

I grab the golf club to mimic the scene and swing it above my head.’

‘Mum! The lights!’

‘And … BANG … I hit him hard over the head.’

Baby is in the room now, alerted by the theatricals. Miss Organiser is laughing her head off.

‘ What about the boxes here?’

I am pleased to be take out seriously.

‘Ans if by any chance he still manages to get past the golf club and walks over to the coffee table then he will see these nicest boxes!’

I wave my hands dramatically towards the pile of boxes and bags which I have been collecting around the house all day, all Apple and JBL and Dior and The North Face and Nike and La Veuve Clicquot … and bags of sox and socks and I have piled all this up on the coffee table. It’s Christmas all over again.

‘Hé won’t be able to resist, he will grab all this and then when he gets to open all this it’ll all be empty!’

I laugh hysterically. The girls laugh wholeheartedly. They think it is so funny. They get their phones out and film my beautiful arrangements.

‘ Mummy F thinks she is in Home Alone … Watch how she readies the house to fend off burglars … ‘