85. Driving Test

 I hear the door. She's back. Please everyone be quiet.

'So?'

She pulls a face, raises an eyebrow then the other one. How on earth can she do that?

'So?' I ask again. I am in the corridor. She looks up, take her earbuds or whatever they are out of her ears.

'You didn't drive with those on, ... did you?'

'Mum, don't be stupid!'

I want to tell her that it is a kind of in-built mechanism in mothers, they act stupid because they cannot act worried, concerned, panicked, judgemental, or totally freaked-out in front of their babies. I know soon she will be big enough and I will be able to stop the acting stupid. But it is obvious she is not ready fro that yet.

'How did you do?'

'Not that well!'

Here I begin to lose some of my legendary patience.

'Come on! Don't tell me you knocked someone over! Or drove on the pavement again! For goodness's sake, pay attention when you're doing something!' I'm off and there's no stopping me now. 

'I've been telling you for years, there is no point whatsoever in doing something if you don't apply ...' She rudely interrupts the flow of precious advice I am giving her.

'Please! Stop! No major error. At least, if he rightly interprets my choices ...'

What is she on about?!

'What choices?' I can feel the urge to be acting stupid again. I resolve to just look stupid. That should do it. I have got it right because she goes on. I ignore her impatient and irritated tone of voice.

'I was about to go on this big roundabout when I realised I had forgotten to check the thingy spot.'

'Blind spot.' I add helpfully..

'Whatever ... Anyway when I remembered, it was too late! There was a car coming and so I cut him up.'

The stupid look is back on, and I add a stupid smile to go with it.

'And you know ... this guy ... he opens his window and his head comes out ... I mean driving round the roundabout this guy sticks his head out of the window and shouts at me! ... Don't worry mum! I kept my cool ... '

'Anyway the examiner then asks me Do you think this driver is shouting at me or is he shouting at you?'

'Oh no no no no no! What did you answer?'

'I very calmly said: He's shouting at me.'

'Well done! You got that answer correct!'

And I sigh - inwardly. 

'So, really, I don't think that will do it.'

I have to be positive here. Think positive. Act positive. I am the mother! Control freak, tiger mum, helicopter mum, always look on the bright side mum.

'Well, maybe the other kids today were completely useless ...'

'The other girls were all wearing ponytails and they looked confident. I did not look confident. I looked out of place.'

'No way! And anyway, did the guy break for you? Did he accelerate for you?'

'Nope! I did the breaks myself. I'm good at breaking now. Using the breaks, driving backwards and manoeuvring in tight spaces are my signature moves!' She winks at me. Then adds:

'Pity I did not have time to show him that.'

'Well, I think you've ticked the most important box. Not many kids tick that box: the box 'able to cope in dangerous totally unexpected situations without giving in to road rage.'

Now that is being positive. I am really chuffed with myself so I leave her in the corridor. I'm almost ready to celebrate!